


Poinsettia Plot

by scarlettcat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Break Up, Christmas, F/M, Humor, Mild Language, Romance, Sexual Humor, Yule Ball
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 13:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12818430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarlettcat/pseuds/scarlettcat
Summary: Secrets, lies, manipulation... Just another Christmas at Hogwarts.





	Poinsettia Plot

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for nominating me! If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have written anything all year! (It was pointed out to me that this is not really true. I did write something at the beginning of the year, but it was so long ago that I appreciate the nudge just the same.) I also want to thank the mods for continuing this fest that I love so much. And finally, thank you to my beta dors for being awesome. Unfortunately, I had to cut a lot of words out of this fic, so hopefully I didn't mess up all of her hard work too much. My prompt was poinsettia. Enjoy!

“I've decided to let Ron deflower me,” Hermione announced at breakfast.

“If you want Ron to get you flowers for the Yule Ball, you'd better tell him,” said Harry, buttering his toast. “Better yet, save yourself some trouble and buy them yourself.”

Annoyed that Harry missed the earth-shattering nature of her declaration, Hermione clarified, “I'm not talking about him getting me flowers, although that is appropriate. I'm talking about... S-E-X.”

Harry spit out his pumpkin juice. “What!”

Now that was more like it.

“But... what about N.E.W.T.s? And your Head Girl duties, and the house-elves?”

Hermione nodded solemnly. “All very important. But I'm a woman of the nineties. I can have it all, including sex.”

“Does Ron know?” 

“I thought it would be more romantic to surprise him at the Yule Ball.” 

“Isn't that the sort of thing you should plan?” 

“You think I'd leave that to Ron?” Hermione snorted. “I have it all taken care of. I'm already on birth control pills to regulate my period, and Madam Pomfrey gave me a pamphlet with several good contraception spells. And last time I was in Hogsmeade, I got these.” She dumped a colorful pile of condoms on the table.

“Hermione!” 

“I cast a distraction spell,” said Hermione dismissively. “I wasn't sure which kind to get, so I got them all. There's ribbed ones and lubed ones. What do you think? Friction or no friction?”

“Er...”

“And this one's called a French Tickler.” 

“Don't you think you should be talking about this sort of stuff with Ginny?” asked Harry, looking a little green.

“Yeah,” Hermione scoffed. “I'm sure Ginny really wants to hear about me having sex with her brother.”

“I can't say I'm all that comfortable with it either,” admitted Harry.

“I had to tell someone. Losing your virginity is a big deal.” 

“It is a big deal, and you should tell someone. You should tell Ron.”

“If I told him, then it wouldn't be a surprise now, would it?” 

“Maybe it shouldn't be a surprise,” muttered Harry.

Hermione's eyes narrowed. “You're not going to tell him, are you?” 

“No?”

“You can't tell him, Harry. You can't tell anyone.”

…...............................................................................................................................................................

Harry looked at Ron sprawled out on his bed sleeping like a baby and shook his head sadly. Poor bastard. “Ron! Wake up!”

“Mmmff,” mumbled Ron, rolling over and snoring.

“Hermione wants to have sex with you!” Harry shouted in his ear. 

Ron's eyes snapped open, and in a moment of sheer panic, he began fighting his bed sheets in an effort to scramble out of bed. Losing the battle, he fell on the floor with a thud. Popping up, he looked around wildly. “Where is she? Is she wearing lingerie? Oh, dear God, why me? Why now?”

“Not now. At the Yule Ball.” 

Ron slumped down on the bed. “What am I going to do, Harry?”

“You've got to tell her.”

“I can't tell her,” scoffed Ron. 

“Why not?”

“Because she's my friend, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. And because she's scary.” Ron shuddered.

“So, you're going to go through with it?” asked Harry in disbelief.

“Hell no! I'd rather have sex with Ginny.” At Harry's look of disgust, Ron quickly added, “I don't mean that in a creepy way. I just mean I really don't want to have sex with Hermione.”

“What are you going to do then?”

“Avoid her? Pretend I have Dragon Pox?”

“She seemed really determined.”

“Where is this even coming from?” Ron moaned. “We don't even kiss anymore.”

“Something about being a woman of the nineties.”

“It's just weird. I was sure she was going to break up with me. Unless...”

“Unless what?”

“Unless all of this is about her trying to get me to break up with her.”

“What?”

“That little minx,” muttered Ron. “She's trying to get me to do her dirty work. Well, I'm not going to do it.”

“But don't you want to break up with her?”

“That's not the point, Harry.”

“What is the point?”

“The point is that she's trying to trick me into breaking up with her, and I'm not about to let her get away with it. I don't care if she does show up in lingerie.”

Harry looked at Ron incredulously. “Let me get this straight. The only reason you two are still together is because you're both too stubborn to call it quits?”

“Yep.”

“That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.”

“It's a battle of the wills, and this time, I'm not going to lose,” declared Ron. “If she wants to fight dirty, I'll fight dirty. She has no idea how low I can go.”

“What are you going to... Ow!” yelped Harry, grabbing his backside.

“Are you okay, Harry?” 

“Um, I think I need to go to the Hospital Wing,” said Harry sheepishly.

“What's wrong?”

Harry turned around to reveal something sticking out of his trousers. 

“Is that a...”

“Tattle tail,” finished Harry, embarrassed.

“You made an Unbreakable Vow with her, didn't you?”

Harry nodded, looking miserable.

Ron laughed. “And people say I'm the stupid one. C'mon, I'll walk you to the Hospital Wing on my way to make a deal with the devil.”

….....................................................................................................................

“Shove off. I need a word with his highness.”

At Crabbe and Goyle's questioning look, Draco waved his hand in dismissal. Grabbing as much food as they could carry, they glared at Ron and left.

“What can I do for you, Weasel?” Draco sneered. “Besides hand you your ass on the Quidditch field.”

Forcing himself to ignore the taunt, Ron said, “I have a proposition for you.”

Draco looked Ron up and down. “Not interested,” he replied, taking a bite of apple.

“Not that kind of proposition!” exclaimed Ron, turning red. “I mean, it is that kind of proposition, but not with me! With Hermione!”

At the mention of Hermione's name, Draco began choking on his apple.

Ron clapped him hard on the back. “You know, the girl you're in love with.”

“I'm not in love with Granger,” Draco protested.

“You're always making googly eyes at her.”

“I do not have googly eyes. Ever.”

“And no matter where she is, you're always around. 'Oh, Granger, I didn't know you'd be here',” Ron said mockingly. “Yeah, because she's never in the library.”

Draco glared. “I have a perfectly legitimate reason to always be in the library. Unlike you, I take my studies seriously.”

“And are you also serious about the plight of house-elves, werewolf rights and the preservation of the Whomping Willow?”

“I am trying to redeem myself,” replied Draco indignantly.

Ron snorted. “What you're trying to do, although you're doing a piss poor job of it, is get in Hermione's pants. Lucky for you, I'm here to help.”

…...........................................................................................................................................................

“There you are,” said Hermione, the moment Ron entered the common room. “I wanted to talk about the Yule Ball.”

“Yeah, I kind of wanted to talk about that, too.” 

Suspicious, Hermione asked, “Where's Harry?” 

“In the Hospital Wing,” Ron admitted.

“He told you, didn't he?” 

“Yeah,” said Ron, sitting down next to her.

“It's okay if you don't want to...”

“But I do.”

“I... what?” asked Hermione, caught off guard.

“I want to do it,” said Ron huskily.

“You do?” 

“I think it's time we took our relationship to the next level.” To drive his point home, he slid his hand up her leg.

Hermione practically flew off the couch. “Great! That's great!” she said a little too enthusiastically. “That you want to do it, I mean. I didn't know if we were on the same page.”

“Oh, we're on the same page. And it will be great, I promise.” 

“Great,” Hermione said again. “I have to go... to Hogsmeade. For a dress.”

“I hear there's a fantastic lingerie shop near The Hog's Head. You should check it out.”

“Yeah, definitely. Well, see you later,” she said hurriedly.

Before she could leave, Ron pulled her close. “Meet me at Madam Puddifoot's after?” 

Hermione was so taken aback, she could only nod in agreement.

“Can't wait,” said Ron, leaning in and giving her a long, lingering kiss. Finally pulling away, he grinned at her and then skipped up the stairs two at a time.

Hermione stared after him, her fingers pressed to her well-kissed lips. “Shit. He knows.”

…...............................................................................................................................................................

Harry woke up in the Hospital Wing to find a wand pressed to his throat. “Geeze, Hermione! You scared the crap out of me. In case you didn't know, I'm recovering from a tail amputation.”

“He knows, doesn't he?” Hermione demanded.

“Of course he knows. Thus the reason for the tail amputation,” said Harry angrily.

“Not that. I knew you'd tell him about that,” said Hermione dismissively. “I mean the part about tricking him into breaking up with me.”

“You knew I was going to tell, and you still made me do an unbreakable vow?” asked Harry incredulously.

“Of course, I did. It serves you right for being a blabbermouth.”

“But you wanted me to tell him,” Harry protested.

“That's not the point, Harry.”

“You know what? You two deserve each other,” said Harry, slumping back in bed.

“Don't be ridiculous. We're completely incompatible,” Hermione huffed.

“Then call it quits!” 

“I can't do that. It would be admitting failure. Hermione Granger does not fail. Ron, however, is used to failure. That's why he should be the one to do it.”

“Well, he's not going to. He knows what you're up to.”

“I know,” said Hermione bitterly, running her fingers over lips. “That's why you have to convince him I'm serious about having sex.”

“Why me?”

“Because you're my best friend, and if Ron and I end up having sex because you couldn't be bothered to help me properly scare the shit out of him, I will never forgive you.”

“You'd really go through with it just to avoid failing?” 

“Failure is not an option. Believe me, I'd rather jump you right now than have sex with Ron.” At Harry's alarmed look, Hermione rolled her eyes. “Please. You're like a brother to me. I only meant that I really don't want to have sex with Ron. Will you help me? Please?”

Harry couldn't help but relent. After all, saving people was what he did. And if anyone needed saving, it was his two idiot friends. “Well, I was in excruciating pain at the time,” he said, giving her a pointed look, “but I do remember Ron saying something about making a deal with the devil.”

“Malfoy?” said Hermione in shock. “He's recruiting Malfoy? That son of a bitch!”

…...........................................................................................................................................................

Hermione sank into her chintz-covered chair and sighed wearily. Revenge shopping was grueling work. Her feet were killing her. And she hadn't even made it to that lingerie shop yet. She looked around the tiny tea shop with its flowers and cupids and groping couples and tried not to make any audible retching sounds. Maybe Ron was a more formidable foe than she thought. 

“Fancy meeting you here, Granger.”

Hermione looked up to see Draco Malfoy smirking down at her.

“All by your lonesome?” 

“No,” Hermione growled. “I'm waiting for my boyfriend.”

“Oh, then you wouldn't mind if I joined you while you wait.”

“Actually, I would mind,” Hermione began, but Draco was already hailing down Madam Puddifoot.

“Tea for two, please, and a couple slices of your fabulous chocolate cake. Have you had the chocolate cake here?” he asked Hermione. “I hear it's better than sex.” He winked at her.

Hermione gritted her teeth. She could kill Ron for bringing Malfoy into this. Well, two could play at this game. If only she knew how Malfoy fit into Ron's evil plan.

“What are you doing here, Malfoy?”

“Er...”

Draco was saved by Madam Puddifoot's prompt service. “I'm just here for the cake.” He smirked.

Hermione waited until he took a big bite. “Masturbation not cutting it, huh?”

“What!” gasped Draco, choking. 

Hermione slapped him on the back. “You're in a romantic restaurant all alone, and you're here for cake that's supposedly better than sex. I put two and two together and came to the conclusion that you aren't getting any. Am I right?”

“No!”

“There's nothing to be ashamed of,” Hermione assured him. “Masturbation is perfectly natural.”

“Would you quit saying... masturbation,” hissed Draco.

Hermione laughed. “I wouldn't have taken you for a prude. Does it bother you when I say... masturbation?”

“Yes, it does.” Draco squirmed. “If you don't stop, I'm going to have to eat an entire pan of this stupid cake.”

Hermione laughed again. “You're funny when you're not being an ass.” She took a bite of cake. “Mmm, this is delicious.”

“So, what's the verdict? Is it better than sex?”

“I don't know. I mean, I don't know why you think that is an appropriate question.” 

“Now, who's the prude?” Draco smirked, taking another bite of cake.

“Is that ink on your hands?” asked Hermione, noticing his stained fingers. It was unusual because Malfoy was always so fastidious about his appearance.

“Yes,” said Draco, sounding pleased. “I caught the game-winning Snitch this morning and was inspired to write poetry. Used three feet of parchment.”

“You wrote a poem? About Quidditch?”

“Three feet worth,” he emphasized.

Hermione leaned forward and sniffed him. “You smell like freshly cut grass.”

“Probably because I was rolling around in it. When I caught the game-winning Snitch.”

Hermione studied him closer. “Your hair looks different.”

“Like it?”

No, she did not like it. Hermione had to admit she was disappointed. She had thought Malfoy was one of the more intelligent boys at Hogwarts, but it turned out he was an even bigger idiot than most. Why else would he take seduction lessons from Ron? She leaned forward and sniffed him again. “Funny. It smells just like my boyfriend's shampoo.”

“Your... your boyfriend?”

“Yes, the one I'm waiting for. The one who you are eerily reminding me of right now.”

“I was kind of under the impression you didn't have a boyfriend,” said Draco, sounding confused. “I thought you were just waiting for a blind date or something.”

“Oh, I have a boyfriend all right. In fact, I'm going to tell Ron that I love him at the Yule Ball tomorrow night.”

“Weasel's your boyfriend!”

…........................................................................................................................................................

Once again, Harry woke up with a wand at his throat. “What do you want, Malfoy?”

“I want to know why the hell Weasel tried to set me up with his girlfriend.”

“He tried to set you up with Hermione?” Harry snorted. 

“Why is that funny?”

“Ron and Hermione are having a... disagreement. My best advice to you is to stay out of it. That's what I'm planning on doing.”

“You're going to sit back and let Weasel treat her that way? What kind of hero are you?”

“Believe me, Hermione can take care of herself.”

“Are you listening to me? He tried to set me up on a date... with his girlfriend! And poor, unwitting Granger is going to tell that lying, scumbag that she loves him tomorrow night!”

Harry's eyebrows quirked up. “She's going to tell him she loves him?”

“Yes!” yelled Draco in exasperation.

“Ooh, that's good. She might actually win with that.”

Draco looked at Harry in disgust. “What is wrong with you?”

“Look, this is going to sound insane, because it is insane, but Ron and Hermione want to break up with each other; they're both just too stubborn to be the one to do it. Hermione is afraid of failure, and Ron is tired of losing. So, now they're in the middle of some bizarre manipulation game.”

“But she put me on the decorating committee. I'm supposed to fill the Great Hall with flowers to set the mood for her declaration.”

Harry shrugged. “Part of the game.”

“That's insane.”

“Told you so.”

“How did I get involved in this?”

“Ron probably thought Hermione would break up with him if you seduced her. Obviously, you failed.”

“Only because of his bad advice!” said Draco defensively.

“Tell me, do you really like her?”

“Wizard promise you won't tell her?” 

“Fine,” agreed Harry in a resigned voice.

“I think I'm in love with her.”

“Then tell her! If you don't, she's going to have sex with Ron tomorrow night.”

“What!”

“It was part of her brilliant plan to get Ron to break up with her. But now it's gone too far, and I'm afraid they really might do it out of spite. It's your time to be a hero. You have to stop them. You have to get Hermione to fall in love with you so she breaks up with Ron.”

“How am I supposed to do that?” 

“I'd tell you to be yourself, but that would hardly work.”

Draco scowled.

“Just tell her you love her.”

“I can't just blurt that out. It would be creepy.”

“Maybe you could discuss a common interest and then somehow work your undying love into the conversation,” Harry suggested.

“What does she like?”

“Books.”

“What else?”

“Um, _Hogwarts: A History_.”

“That's a book.”

“Yeah, she really likes books.”

“You are completely useless.”

“Look, just be honest and open with her. Tell her how you really feel.”

“I don't know...” 

“Now is not the time for cowardice. Hermione's virginity is on the line. And Ron's.”

“Okay, I'll do it.” 

“Son of a bitch!” yelled Harry.

“I said I'd do it. Geesh!”

“Sorry, I'm having a medical issue. Madam Pomfrey!” Harry yelled. “It's back again.”

“For Merlin's sake, Potter, quit being such a blabbermouth,” Madam Pomfrey called back. 

“Hey, just in case everything goes south, maybe we should have a backup plan,” said Harry. “We wouldn't want Hermione getting deflowered because you couldn't woo her over in time.”

“Shit! I still have to get flowers.”

“Are you seriously going to get flowers so Ron can get busy with the love of your life in a more romantic setting?”

“Well, I did promise,” Draco grumbled.

“Wait! That's it!” Harry exclaimed. “Don't worry about the flowers. I have a guy.”

“You have a flower guy?”

“I have two.” Harry smirked, his tail wagging excitedly behind him.

…...............................................................................................................................

“You look ravishing tonight, Hermione,” said Ron, the moment he saw her at the Yule Ball. She wore a tight, white strapless dress that hugged every curve. “I could almost take you right here in front of everyone.”

“Do you think your performance skills would be up to it?” Hermione replied jokingly, a slight bite to her words.

“Oh, I'd be up for it.” He winked..

Hermione couldn't help scowling. This wasn't going the way she had anticipated. “Where's my corsage?” she demanded. “Don't tell me you forgot.”

“No, I didn't forget.” Ron patted his pockets. “I must have set it down at the door when I checked in. Be right back.”

When he returned, he was carrying a beautiful, red poinsettia, identical to the flowers currently flooding the Great Hall.

“Are you trying to pass off one of the decorations as my corsage?” Hermione accused.

“No, of course not. I picked this because I know it's your favorite flower.”

“My favorite flower is a tulip.”

“Your favorite Christmas flower,” Ron amended.

Well, she could hardly argue with that. “Where's the pin to attach it?”

“We're wizards, Hermione. We don't use pins.” He proceeded to press the stem to her left breast, careful not to crush the bloom, and said the spell. He poked around on her breast to make sure it was attached properly. “See, sticks like a charm.”

Hermione stood with her mouth agape. In all their six months of dating, he'd never once touched her breasts. She kind of thought he was afraid of them.

“What's the matter? Having second thoughts?” He grinned at her annoyingly.

She shook her head and forced a smile. “No, your touch just sent tingles down my spine is all.”

“Good. Because I plan on making more than just your spine tingle,” he purred, his eyes running over her body until something else caught his attention. “Oh, food.” Shoving her aside, he walked over to the refreshment table.

Hermione glared after him and then noticed Malfoy spying on her.

She stomped over to him. “Did you tell Ron I was going to confess that I love him tonight?”

“No, why would I talk to Weasel?”

“I don't know. I just thought you would,” said Hermione in disappointment. “Where's your date?”

“I didn't bring one. I'm still good from all that cake I consumed yesterday.”

Hermione smiled.

“You look beautiful tonight,” Draco said nervously.

“Thank you,” Hermione said, unconsciously tugging on her dress. “It's not something I would normally wear. I only chose it because, well, Ron.”

“It's okay to fail, you know,” Draco blurted.

“What?”

“Failing to kill Dumbledore was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned a lot about myself that night. I realized that I had choices. That I wanted something better.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I just wanted you to know that winning isn't worth it if it costs you everything.”

“Did Harry tell you?” Hermione demanded.

“He may have mentioned something.”

“I can't believe this! You have some nerve. First you team up with Ron behind my back and now Harry!”

“It's not like that,” began Draco, but Hermione was already gone.

….........................................................................................................................................................

Hermione slapped Harry hard on his rear.

“Ow!” yelped Harry. “Did you just spank me?”

“You bet your ass I did.”

“That really hurt. You realize I'm still recovering from having a tail removed.”

“Don't you mean two tails?”

“Oh, you talked to Malfoy?” said Harry sheepishly.

“How dare you tell him I was planning on having sex with Ron!”

“Why do you care what Malfoy thinks?”

“I don't. I just didn't want him to know, is all.”

“You like him, don't you?”

“No, I mean, I don't think so. He looks really good tonight. Really good. And he was very charming just now. Ron must have put some spell on him to make him irresistible. Ugh. Ron is so not playing fair.”

“I don't think Ron put any spell on him. Look, I can't really say anything because Malfoy's Unbreakable Vow is way more evil than yours, and Madam Pomfrey says growing parts is a lot worse than removing them, but maybe it would be for the best if you put an end to this thing with Ron.”

“I can't believe you're siding with Ron!”

“I'm not taking anyone's side. I just don't want my two best friends to do something really stupid that they will both regret.”

“Why should I have to be the one to give in?” 

“Because you're a smart, beautiful witch who always does the right thing no matter how hard it is. And you know Ron can't help doing really stupid things.”

“That's the truth,” muttered Hermione.

“So, you'll do it?” Harry asked hopefully.

Hermione smiled. “Yeah, I'll do it.”

…............................................................................................................................................................

“Where is she?” asked Malfoy, sounding panicked. “I lost her in the crowd and can't find her anywhere.”

“She went to go find Ron.” 

“Alone!”

“It's fine. I think I talked her into breaking up with him.”

“You think? What did she say exactly?”

“She said she was going to do it... Oh,” said Harry, realizing he got played.

“You idiot. C'mon! We have to stop them.”

…............................................................................................................................................................

“I saw you talking to Malfoy,” said Ron, pulling Hermione into a secluded alcove. “Is there something you want to tell me?”

“No, is there something you want to tell me?” she asked pointedly.

“Only that I can't wait to have sex with you.”

“I can't wait to have sex with you more,” she countered.

“Maybe we should do it right now.”

“Maybe we should.” She pulled the clip from her hair and shook her hair loose, letting it tumble sexily down her shoulders. “Show me what you've got, stud.”

“Shouldn't we go somewhere more private?”

“We'll just cast a distraction spell.” 

“But those aren't always foolproof.”

“Exactly. The thrill of getting caught makes it even more exciting. I'm so turned on right now.”

“Mmm, me too,” said Ron awkwardly.

“Can I tell you a secret?” whispered Hermione, crooking her finger to motion him closer. “I'm not wearing any knickers.”

“Dear Merlin,” Ron gulped.

“Stop!” shouted Malfoy, bursting in between them.

“Malfoy! What do you think you're doing?” asked Hermione irritably.

“I'm saving you from making the biggest mistake of your life.”

“I have this under control,” she replied through gritted teeth.

“Yeah, go away,” said Ron. “We're in the middle of something private.”

Draco turned to Hermione. “Did you know he came to me with an offer to help me get in your pants?”

Hermione scowled at Ron. “You're disgusting.”

“Does that mean you want to break up with me?” Ron grinned.

“You wish!” 

“What is wrong with you two?” asked Draco, looking at them in disbelief.

“It's complicated,” replied Hermione and Ron simultaneously.

“What did I miss?” asked Harry, squeezing into the alcove. “Did they have sex?”

“No,” replied Draco. “Wait. You didn't, did you?”

“I'm not that fast,” said Ron, offended. “I can think about dead puppies just as well as you can.”

“You're really killing the mood,” grumbled Hermione.

“Want to call it off?”

“Not a chance.”

“I think it's time for Plan P,” Draco said to Harry.

“Plan P?” scoffed Ron. “Did plans A through O all fail?”

“P is for poinsettia.”

“Hermione's favorite Christmas flower?” said Ron.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

Draco turned his wand on Hermione and said, “This is for your own good.”

“What are you doing to 'Mione?” asked Ron angrily, charging at Malfoy. But before his fist could connect with Malfoy's jaw, someone pushed him into a row of potted plants and all hell broke loose. Screams erupted all around him and in the chaos that ensued, he lost Malfoy and Hermione. Looking around desperately to find them, he received a face full of some slimy, foul-smelling substance. Bloody hell.

….......................................................................................................................................................

When Malfoy finally set her down outside the Great Hall, Hermione huffed, “You didn't have to do this, you know. I had it all under control. Ron was about to cave.”

“But what if he didn't?” 

Uncomfortable with the question, Hermione said, “I suppose I should thank you for the shield spell.”

“You look too pretty tonight to be covered in that foul stuff.”

“Why did you do it?”

“I told you–”

“No, I mean, why did you go to all this trouble to stop me from having sex with Ron?”

“Oh, that. Well...”

“You didn't even know I existed before Ron came to you and made whatever deal you two made.”

“That's not true. This has nothing to do with Weasel. And we didn't make any sort of deal. I have always been very aware of you.” Draco took a deep breath and decided to take Harry's advice and be honest. “First year, I thought you were gross. Well, girls were gross in general. But you were particularly annoying and had really big hair and teeth.”

Hermione scowled.

“Second year,” Draco continued. “I just wanted the monster in the Chamber of Secrets to eat you whole. What? You were always besting me in all of our classes. Father was really on my case about it. And it's not like I actually wanted you dead. I just fantasized about it.”

Hermione scowled even more.

“Third year, you hit me. And I kind of liked it.”

Hermione rolled her eyes.

“Fourth year, I saw you at the Yule Ball and my heart stopped. I acted like an ass to you because I thought girls dug that, and I was trying to get your attention. Fifth year, I was still trying to get your attention. You're kind of oblivious.”

Hermione went back to scowling.

“Sixth year, I was just trying to survive, so I didn't think about you much except late at night, if you know what I mean.” 

Hermione did know what he meant and continued scowling.

“Seventh year was about...”

“Getting in my pants?” Hermione guessed.

“Redemption.”

“Is that why you joined S.P.E.W. and those other clubs?”

“Partly. I thought if I did good work, you would think I was a better person, but then I got to know you, and seeing your passion when you spoke about these causes, well, it inspired me to actually want to be a better person.”

“Oh,” said Hermione, not knowing what else to say.

Draco was quiet for a moment and then said softly, “I like you.”

“Oh,” said Hermione again.

“And I really want to kiss you right now.” 

“Oh, my,” she murmured, unconsciously licking her lips.

They stood staring into each other's eyes, some unseen force slowly drawing them closer. Their lips were about to touch when Hermione suddenly pulled back. “Wait. There's something I need to do first.”

….............................................................................................................................................................

When Harry found Ron, he was standing in the middle of the Great Hall covered in goo, grinning like an idiot. “Hermione broke up with me. I won, Harry. I won!”

“You just set up our best friend with our nemesis,” said Harry, pausing a moment to let that sink in. “And you're covered in foul-smelling pus.”

Ron's face fell. “Thanks a lot, Harry. Did I try to ruin your moment when you defeated Voldemort?”

“No, but you acted like a complete ass when my name was drawn from the Goblet of Fire.”

“Oh, yeah. I guess we're even, then. And by the way, I'm pretty sure you're the one responsible for this mess. This is Fred and George's work, am I right?”

Harry grinned. “Pus-settias. Helping Malfoy was for the greater good. I couldn't have my two best friends having sex together, now could I?”

Ron shuddered. “Definitely not.”

“Besides, you're the one who started it by going to Malfoy in the first place.”

“I was desperate!” 

“The sad thing is, I think Malfoy's the one who's really the winner in all this.” Harry nodded over at Draco and Hermione who were about to kiss.

“We'll see about that.” Ron smirked. “Wait for it.”

SPLAT!

“I'm guessing Hermione figured out I didn't buy her flowers.”

“I stand corrected,” said Harry, looking at Ron in awe. “I think you did win after all.”

Ron laughed and gave his friend a big, slimy bear hug. “Merry Christmas, Harry!”

**Author's Note:**

> I feel a little bad that Ron got more action in this story than Draco did, but at least Draco and Hermione ended up together. Sure they're covered in foul-smelling pus, but that still counts, right? :) Thanks for reading! Happy Holidays!


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